I held my breath and took the plunge. I dove head first into the theater early and without hesitation to see an advanced screening of Baywatch. A shirtless, beach based, summer comedy vehicle for the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s stern faced comic timing, Zac Efron’s increasingly brooding good looks, a score of tight bodied beach babes, and muscles, muscles, muscles. Oh, and penises. More than you could possibly imagine.

The writers decided to tackle this remake with all the meta-irony they could throw at it. In turn, they decided to make the story as ridiculous as the original show, but they wanted us to know how aware they were of this, you know, so they didn’t have to feel embarrassed as if it were in earnest. Modern day, Mitch Buchannon (Johnson) is the most beloved lifeguard on the beach, in charge of the titular group Baywatch, a team of elite lifeguards who go above and beyond. In an effort to control some kind of bad press, Mitch’s boss hires ex-olympic gold medalist swimmer Matt Brody (Efron) to win the favor of the public. A drunk washout, Brody teams up with Buchannon, who is tasked with molding the young degenerate into a real Baywatch member, to help solve a case of murder and drug trafficking.

Yes, lifeguards who go on capers. That was essentially the premise of the original show which began in the year of our Sea Lord Poseidon. Everything that happens in this film is completely farfetched, but it really made me question what used to pass for entertainment so long ago. I think there was a collective understanding that television, and theater in general, didn’t have to be at all realistic. Baywatch does a great job of walking the line and pointing this out every step of the way. This doesn’t mean that’s a good thing, it just happens to do a great job of that in particular. It embraces all things TV-PG from the 90’s (which I realize wasn’t always a thing back then), cranks it past TV-MA, but without losing any of the playful visuals associated with primetime or Nickelodeon/Disney family hours. The opening credits and title card alone were worth my money just for the laughs.

The only thing missing is a 90’s runtime. Famously, films would run an hour and thirty minutes, and this definitely feels way too long at almost 2 hours. The jokes are fun, but you really have to let yourself have fun, some are very blue others more clever, but too often you get the feeling you are watching a self-aware teen comedy. All your favorite Baywatch slow-mo scenes are there and with Ilfenesh Hadera, Kelly Rohrbach, and Alexandra Daddario strutting their stuff, you won’t want to look away. Even when Jon Bass is at the butt of that very jiggly joke.

To close, see it, don’t see it, it doesn’t f***ing matter. It’s a dumb movie with a bunch of jokes and a stupid story that honestly kept me entertained from time to time. If you enjoy looking back at the shows that filled up the 80’s and 90’s, I think you will have a good time, but is this a comedy everyone should see, yea, if you like dicks, boobs, butts, and muscles. Dive in.

~* 6/10 *~