With absolutely no enthusiasm reserved for any of the actors, the directors, or the writers of this film, nor any faith in Universal’s ability to create a Marvel Cinematic Universe clone with it’s Dark Universe concept, I quietly took my seat in a mostly empty theater to screen The Mummy. On opening weekend during a saturday afternoon, that’s a bad sign, but a given against the massive hit DC finally had with Wonder Woman. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the overall execution of the concept was completely off before the first frame hit the screen. And by the time the last frame hit the screen, I had confirmed a lot of my suspicions, with question number one being, “Is it a good idea to cast Tom Cruise as the lead of a new (possibly) decade long franchise?” Short answer, “Wtf, no.”

For the long answer, i’ll put in some context. The plot of The Mummy is that long ago, in super windy Egypt, Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella), the only daughter of a Pharaoh Menehptre, was poised to become the heir to the throne, until suddenly a son was born unto the Pharaoh. Knowing that the son would supercede her right to the throne, Ahmanet makes a pact with Set, the Egyptian god of death (for courage, maybe?), and is given a cursed dagger with which she kills both her father and new brother. In return, she must take a cursed dagger and kill another man so that Set can take over his body. Before she can finish her sacrifice, she is taken by the guards, mummified alive, and buried hundreds of miles from Egypt in a prison tomb. Then we widen to reveal a cocksure idiot, Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) and his partner Chris Vail (Jake Johnson), who through a series of misadventures uncover the prison tomb with archeologist Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis) in tow. Thinking only of the possible profit, Nick releases Ahmanet and unknowingly curses himself.

To characterize further, Nick is a decorated military soldier who moonlights as a treasure hunter, is quick on his feet and light with his fingers, but not quick witted. He is everything you might think of when you imagine a selfish, late stage college drop-out who believed he was better than school and left to find more while consistently finding trouble and pissing off everyone around him. Nick is the biggest problem in this film because it’s obvious he was written and perceived as someone in there mid-to-late 20’s or early 30’s, not as a man in their 50’s like Tom Cruise. Tom is too old for this role, not because of what it requires physically, but because it’s impossible to see a man in their 50’s, with this character’s skill set, act at all like his character. There is so much dissonance between his lines, movement, and motivation that just wouldn’t appeal to anyone who has gone through 50+ years of life; it feels unnatural, and you just want to laugh AT Tom Cruise instead of WITH his character Nick. It is a strong case for the worst casting in 10 years, easy. But somewhere, Tom sells tickets.

Not everything about The Mummy is bad, just most of it. The set design and costumes were really well done and create a believable atmosphere. There is also some great camera work here and there. Sofia Boutella is fun to watch as the titular mummy despite lacking anything really scary. She has the ability to make Nick revisit her memories and it happens to him a lot. The same six memory shots, over and over. There is also a never ending exposition dump to go along with every scene change. They felt the need to explain everything, and it’s possible this has something to do with expanding blockbuster films to foreign markets who may not be so well versed in western stories or storytelling. The doctor Jekyll/Hyde played by Russell Crowe was a positive experience in a few ways, mostly that he was very physical and his transformation was cheesy fun. It’s hard to imagine how the next film in the series will use the the premise constructed here outside of Dr.Jekyll as the lynchpin, but if he is the only thing tying them together, it might be better for it. It is by far the most interesting part of the film and that still isn’t saying much.

As the sun sets on the first entry to the Dark Universe, I can only hope the next set of characters will be cast as they are written on the page and not for numbers on a check. They could learn something by taking a page from the new american Tokusatsu themed films like Kong: Skull Island. Keep the characters simple and fun and let the story speak for itself. For the first entry into a new pyramid schemed film universe, The Mummy is a dubious brick the builder should have refused.

~* 6.5/10 *~