It’s not everyday (thought it may seem like it) that a beloved 80’s classic gets new life and fanfare. And it feels even less rare that some of the original names are still attached to it 30+ years later. The Predator (2018) seemed to have literally everything going for it. A talented cast, an ambitious director who participated it in its genesis as an actor himself, a healthy budget, scores of fans, and both the director and writer created cult classics like Monster Squad and Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Shane Black has had a healthy career that even includes a Disney feature in the MCU, Iron Man 3 (a movie I didn’t like, but that’s a different story). Basically, he had all of that and a bag of chips. I went in with my expectations in the mid-to-high range, only really lowered by a disturbingly stupid trailer. Surely it had to be bad cut, just a bunch of out of sequence shots that missed the mark. Despite my best efforts to enjoy myself, The Predator is one of the worst anticipated films in a healthy franchise released in the last 20 years. The Predator is a bad movie. And this isn’t a review. This is a letter to the complaint department.

You might think we could have seen this coming. Sister franchises like Terminator haven’t seen a decent release since the Arnold graced the screen with his final thumbs up. The same is true of the Alien franchise, which is much more closely related to Predator thanks in part to a random connection in Predator 2 (1990) and two feature length (and awful) films where the two duke it out, AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004) and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007). Still, unlike Terminator and Alien, Predator had a decent revival with Predators (2010) eight years earlier. It isn’t the best film, but it certainly doesn’t drag the series down… any further. To be clear, to make sure you absolutely understand my deepest feelings, this is one of the very few times I felt insulted, both as a fan of film and the franchise. It stinks of executives controlling the art behind the camera. It has no underlying or cohesive theme that resonates with its time and place.It panders to the widest possible audience and misses every single mark. This isn’t the kind of bad that transforms into cult status, this is the kind of bad they remove from the cannon and pretend never happened.

Before I launch into a diatribe laden with disappointment and disgust, i’ll shoot you some high points. First, there are moments where the cast really does come together for some fun conversation. It feels organic and you can tell the guys are having fun. And that’s it. The rest of the film is filled with insufferable cliche after cliche. From stealing the franchise’s best lines in a sideways attempt at endearment, to shoehorning in mental health issues into almost every single character in the film, which is probably the films biggest sin because it never does anything with it. The lead human in the film, expert covert sniper McKenna (Boyd Holbrook), is not only unrelatable, he might as well be alien. He makes no attempt at humor or understanding. He is single minded in his quest to find and kill the Predator. He is thrown in with a group of military misfits that have all been transferred to mandatory psychiatric lockdown, suffering from anything from depression to Tourette’s syndrome, the latter tacked on for comedic effect. The motley crew is comprised of some big names like Keegan-Michael Key and Thomas Jane. Also along for the ride is the randomly employed scientist Casey (Olivia Munn), a character whose purpose eludes me. If the guys are salt, she’s the pepper, just added for a dash of flavor. This might be the most forward thinking aspect of the film, but I have a feeling it wasn’t on purpose.

On a similar cliche note, they added a middle school boy named Rory (Jacob Tremblay) to the story and included a sprinkling of mild autism/aspergers to pile on the mental illness angle. Predictably, he is able to unlock the alien technology faster and with more precision than trained professionals. There is also a blatant bit of pandering in the film, far removed from homage in the traditional sense. There was obviously an attempt to entice fans of the Netflix hit “Stranger Things”. Just as the boys of Hawkins spend their Halloween dressed as 80’s icons, so too does Rory, dressed up in the predator’s mechanical mask, he walks the street in search of candy while also having a conflict with some local bullies. They even have a brawl in the school. The big difference is that all of this falls flat. It terribly underwhelming and a complete rip.

Another grave sin of the film is letting the humans have direct, communicative contact with the Predator. Granted, the films generally spend some time letting the audience behind the veil, following the view of the Predator, having them actually speak using subtitles is just a step to far. It completely ruins the mystery of the motive of the creature and perverts the franchise into something run of the mill. They spell out every plot point with this and other methods, having the characters think out loud so the audience doesn’t have to. Sadly, at no point did this film capture my imagination or attention. Every scenario and location is lackluster.

I can’t even find the words to adequately describe how disappointed, angry, and confused I felt when I left the theater. I expected so much more from the team behind this. This may be the first review/complaint where I will implore the reader to skip the film. Don’t do it. Don’t waste your time or your money. I only wish I could have wrote something to make up for this films absolute failure to live up to the glory, the simplicity of the original Predator.

~* 3/10 *~