I love romantic films. And yet, I think I might actually have a distaste for actual romance. It might be because I feel like romance has never really worked out for me. While its never been harsh, fleeting, or devastating, conversely, its never been sweet, warm, or kind. Maybe that says more about me than it. But the one thing I can say is that romance has always felt deep. It’s a murky, room temperature womb that you float, soak, or bathe in. In this endless, romantic abyss, I find my mind is left to play tricks on me, and this sweet nothingness subverts any expectations I have in mind. I think left, it goes right. I think blue, it goes red. It was only when I realized that cinematic romance is just the highlights of unrealistic peaks and devastating lows with nothing presented in between that I came to realization that romance is so much more than what fits on a screen or a page. Its long, drawn out, sometimes for decades. And while many stories have tried to recreate the feeling of the passage of time and its effect on romance, they rarely tread this path confidently. They also don’t mean the same thing to you or everyone all the time. You can’t experience them all the same way or at the same time, thus leaving you with completely different experiences depending on who you were or are when you experience them. So here, at 32 years old, I am writing to you about Us and Them, a Netflix release from Chinese director Rene Liu who dared to tread that path. The story is of a decade-ish long romance of two star crossed lovers in their 20’s who meet on a train on the way home one New Years holiday.

I don’t slow down often to watch rom-drams (is that a word?). Often, I find them predatory or vague, but mostly I find them unrewarding. Yet, Us and Them has a soft honesty to it. Leads Xiaoxiao (Dongyu Zhou) and Jianqing (Boran Jing) have an undeniable young love that jumps off the screen, instantly recognizable and immediately relatable. It may have helped that they were in college and fell in love at the exact same time I was, having fallen in love college myself. I came across this film because this hilarious dude on twitch asked me to take a look. He asked me to weigh in on a specific question that also turns out to be a what some would call a spoiler, though I didn’t mind at all, so here is your SPOILER WARNING. He asked me (as best I can remember), “Why do you think they broke up?” With this mandate, I was focused very pointedly on their relationship. I requested the company of my girlfriend to make sure I didn’t get a simple cis-gendered male point of view, and I was really surprised that for the most part we agreed on what kept them apart. We agreed that, boiled down, they never should have been together. Granted, it’s easy to answer this question when viewing a relationship through the lens of a camera across time. Nevertheless, it was clear to us that their youth and naivety brought them to lows that only young love can.

There are items that make this clear to me. Before I go further I feel I must mention that my girlfriend is her own person and this review is my own and may not have an accurate view of her opinion, though she certainly has colored mine. But when I asked her to boil it down she said simply, “I don’t like her (XiaoXiao)”. I don’t find
XiaoXiao

nearly as unlikable, but the film really makes a point of making her both focused and indecisive. Basically, XiaoXiao spends her entire youth in a state of anti-romance. She wants to find a job and man that can provide for her and deliver her dream life, yet all the while she wants to get the emotional security and deep friendship from a man who she recognizes has a crush on her. Yet, who could blame her for taking such a logical view of romance when so much social and financial power is consolidated by men. Also, to her credit, Jianqing does not make his feelings clear for some time, but you get the feeling XiaoXiao is very aware of his feelings for her. Still, I would never say it was the fault of XiaoXiao for any feelings hurt on the part of Jianqing. He enters this playful, supporting role of his own volition, often very clearly against his better judgement. Jianqing knows, caps lock KNOWS, who
XiaoXiao

is and what shes looking for. She is willing to change her physical appearance, blame others for what her lovers lack, and lie to herself to find this man who fits her ideal. But Jianqing sees her shortcomings as quirks or phases to satisfy who he imagines her to be. Then, Jianqing goes down the road of so many blind lovers before him, trying to fill the shoes of the image he conjures of her perfect person.

Later, when XiaoXiao surrenders to being with Jianqing, unknowingly to him, she felt as though she abandon her old dream of a financially secure home for a new one with Jianqing, embracing a real home. A family home. This evolution of dreams and desires is something that any young person has trouble comprehending. Most people do not or will not believe that someone would truly give up on a dream just to be with them. Or maybe they feel it would be best to try and respect their dream and fill that roll.
When Jianqing begins to fail to fill the shoes he made for himself to
please XiaoXiao, he lashes out and then retreats into himself, causing
XiaoXiao to be the stronger person and end the relationship.

Either way, this is what spelled disaster for XiaoXiao and Jianqing. Youth, hubris, and a lack of experience in trust and empathy.

If you have the time and the stomach for aching, honest rom-drams, I would highly suggest this film. It has a top notch production quality and a structure both complex and saturated in cliche that it’s hard to deny a hefty nod from rom-dram cinema fans. I will say, that for me, I found the subtitles and language pretty fast, possibly missing a little bit of nuance in the broader conversations. Still, the tale of these two lovers feels a bit universal because it doesn’t focus on why they are together, but the catharsis of why they never will be. Still, they are only 30ish. Never say never.